These are ongoing conversations to have throughout their teenage years as they get older and gain more access to the internet. This includes explaining cyberbullying, porn, sexting, hateful content and fake news, as well as how addictive the internet can be and how unrealistically life can be presented (making them feel inadequate and anxious etc). When we give children and teenagers access to the internet, we have to be prepared to talk through all the challenges it brings. As he becomes older, you also want to help him critically evaluate the internet for himself and learn to make his own best decisions. Of course, only supervising your son’s access is not to going to protect him in the long term. Continue to talk through the issues with your son Both parents and schools have a role to play in establishing new safer norms. This would require a cultural shift and is perhaps a wider societal conversation that we all need to be having. This might be a better way to protect them when they are young. Given the risks of unsupervised access, it is perfectly possible to give young teenagers phones that aren’t smartphones which allow them to text and make calls but have limited access to the internet. While it has become the norm to give children and teenagers smartphones at young ages perhaps this does not have to be the case. If all the parents of the children in his peer group agree to supervise access to the internet, then this will keep them all safer and delay them from coming across unsuitable material until they are older and more able to deal with it. To a certain extent your son’s safety depends on his peer group. You might want to ring the other parents and talk to them in person to explain this. It is understandable that your son is nervous about telling in case he is identified as the “person who told”, so it is a delicate conversation to get right. Would you want to know if your 12 year old was showing porn to other children on his phone? They may not know this is happening and if they find out they can take steps to better supervise or restrict their child’s access, and talk through all the safety issues. I would think it is important to tell the other parents. But even then it is hard to protect your children from coming across material from the unsupervised access of their peers.
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You did well to delay smartphone use and to install safety software on other devices in order to supervise his access. Your email highlights how, even when parents take steps to protect their children, they can never fully supervise. As children start puberty they may be very drawn to and excited by watching such material, yet they do not have the maturity to critically evaluate what they are watching. This is, indeed, a tragedy as witnessing such material at young ages can interfere with their normal sex education and development.
In surveys many children report coming across this material before their 12th birthday.